Confidence

With the class and test behind me, I reflected on what I had accomplished.  I had learned the tools I needed to read, and that I had something to offer and give to the world.  I was able to overcome a few challenges in life, and know that I will be able to overcome future challenges that will come up as well. I believe that applying what I have learned will be long and challenging, and not be easy, at least for the immediate future. I don’t believe one attempt right after taking this class, will solve all issues.  I needed constant reminders to stay oriented, and to use the tools I have acquired. No, this is going to be a long, tedious process, one I have to work hard at each and every day.

As I mentioned before, my mentor kept in touch with me.  Was I doing anything with the new tools I had?  What was happening in my life?  I will say that the first few months, I was luke warm with the tools I had, mostly because I didn’t have a reason to use them. But now, I had the interview, passed the exam and have a new position, thanks to these tools I choose to use.  However, now I need to reach out and talk to people.  This is way out of my confidence zone, talking to strangers.  (Someone did mention to me jokingly, that the admonishment from our parents to not to talk to strangers should be disregarded as we become adults!)  Even talking to friends and people I know regarding my new position is challenging.

It was highly recommended at this place of employment, that we all read some help books.  On that list was ‘Think and Grow Rich’.  Let me tell you, the title of that book is very deceiving. It is a very powerful book on matters of the mind, our thinking process, etc.  This book was recommended at the right time for me.  As I read through it (slowly, of course), my mind was understanding all of it, and concepts were coming to my mind of how I could get rid of doubt and unbelief in myself. I think this book could be called ‘Think and grow confidence’ or ‘Think and grow friendships’, or a lot of other things.

I have been working on my confidence for well over 5 months now, with the last 3 months doing some serious mental adjustments for over an hour a day, 5 days a week.  Notes I had written from other classes I had with Cindy, the book I was reading, questions and more questions came to mind.  I think I must have had Cindy nervous to check her email.  I would send her and email with this question, and ask more questions about her explanations.  Why didn’t my perception of something fit in here?  Cindy claims to enjoy my questions, as she said it keeps her on her toes. It is amazing the confidence one builds when they have an accurate picture of words, and perceptions of what is going on around them. There were a few times when she took a little longer to reply, but there would always be a good reason, out of town at a conference training, a funeral in family, etc.  There was no big rush, and whenever she got back to me was fine. However, I must admit, the quick replies, were most helpful, as the situation that caused the email was still fresh in my mind, and I would remember what caused the question, and if that answer was enough, or if I needed more information.

Today, I had a special feeling come over me.  After all these months applying what I have learned, I felt something lifted from my mind.  I felt I could see things better.  Life seemed brighter for some reason.  I would be a fool to think I could stop here.  It would be like a dieter who reached the weight they wanted, and then started eating anything they wanted again. Unless one understands a diet is a way of life, the weight will come back on.  To think I have conquered dyslexia, and no more effort is needed on my part, I can expect to be back to where I was, rather quickly!  No, this is a lifelong commitment.  A life changing experience for me.  I can and must work on my confidence level every day.

I was a young lad when the movie ‘The Sound of Music’ came out.  I love that movie.  I have no idea how many times I have seen it.  I love good music, and the songs in that movie have reached deep into my heart.  ‘How do you solve a problem like…”(durst I dare put my name in there?)  Climb every mountain.  My Favorite Things.  I will end this post with one song that has really resonated in me.

As Maria is leaving the convent to go to Captain Von Trap’s home, she makes the statement that ‘Whenever the Lord shuts the door, somewhere He opens a window.’  A powerful statement for all of us to ponder on when things don’t go the way we think they should or how we planned.  Then she starts to think about the future, and her hopes, and concerns, her confidence, her doubts.  Here are the words to that song:

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

I have had some success through my life.  I know I can do things, and want to do them.  However, so much of what I have said and did and think, up to this time, spoke otherwise. I am sure many opportunities have passed over me.  The class was one week.  The application of what I learned has taken several months so far.  Building up my self-esteem or confidence will take much more time. (And yes, we all have those ‘Oh help!’ moments!)

My desire is for all of us to reach out and help others build confidence in themselves.  Whether they have dyslexia or not, let’s build people up.  However, my guess would be that all dyslexia’s have a sever confidence problem in themselves, especially if they don’t know how to use the gift they have properly.

Next Blog:  Signs of Dyslexia

(Note on confidence: Do you really want to know how long I had this feeling I needed to share my experiences via this blog?  Do you really want to know the internal struggles I had of sharing my life experiences with the world? If you knew the challenges I had in English classes, spelling, and grammar, perhaps you are asking ‘Why then are you writing this blog?’  As I mentioned to my mentor that I was thinking of doing this blog, she though it was a great idea and encouraged me to do it.  This feeling that I needed to do this would not leave me.  As there is absolutely no financial gain for me in writing this, and as each post takes at least three or more hours to compose and review, why do I continue to do this?  If there are only a few people I can reach out to and encourage them to get help, then it would be worth all the time I put into it.  When the feeling leaves me, I will stop posting.  As I only have a few more thoughts in mind now, my mentor mentioned an idea for me to explore and comment on. I have for over almost two weeks wondered how I would comment on it.  I believe the answer came to me today.  If people post comments on this blog, or have questions, I would be happy to expand on it.  I probably have an experience regarding it. Please be patient with me, as it will take at least one week, perhaps much longer, to go from thought, to rough draft, to editing, to publishing. I do it all myself, but if it is important to you, I would love to see if I can offer any encouragement.)